April 27, 2017

Missing The Most Obvious Explanation

A history buff on Reddit asked an art history question, which stumped some historians and led to further research and a number of theories, none of which confront the most reasonable and simple explanation. 



"DAMN the GM! This random encounter table SUCKS!"

Obviously Europe was invaded in the late 13th century by an force of predatory and possibly sentient giant snails that terrorized the local population and were individually a match for even an armored knight.


The Snail of Caerbannog?

As is documented below, these vile beasts would drop on people out of trees. 

"Tree-Snail! TREE-SNAI..."

The historians at the linked article have a number of alternative explanations for the art, none of which are supported by the...you know...actual art which clearly show a number of enormous, deadly...


...cat eating...

...snails terrorizing the people of France and Flanders in the 1290s. Furthermore, none of their explanations, would make nearly as awesome a movie or (gruesome late night anime) as the obvious evidence presented by the medieval artists. 

This is a production that NEEDS to be made. This little known heroic stand against an implacable enemy could be as consequential to the development of western civilization as Charles Martel at Tours. After all, if Europe had been overrun and its inhabitants eaten by giant snails in the 1290's, history would have taken a very different course.

I doubt any serious historian would disagree with that last sentence. 

So we need to find out two things. 

1: How did the people of France and Flanders vanquish these beasts?
2: What filmaker can we get to document this? This little known story has the potential to be an unbelievably awesome period piece with monsters and swordsmen and the eras' handful of early cannon that justify spectacular explosions ! It'll be The Beast the Challenged the World meets the Lion in Winter!


WHY is this not being made?

Posted by: The Brickmuppet at 06:54 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 4 kb.

April 26, 2017

Possibly the Very Best Story in the History of News.

I initially refrained from posting about this because it just seemed too good to be true.


It now seems to have been verified.

 Three Islamic State jihadis have reportedly been killed by rampaging wild boars near Iraqi farmland.

I remind you that Muslims consider all members of Suidae to be singularly unclean, and while eating them is considered a dreadful sin, being eaten BY them is just the Worst. Possible. Death. for a member of ISIS. 

We should all take a moment from obsessing about out petty worries and reflect upon this development.




'cause mindfulness can be rewarding.

Posted by: The Brickmuppet at 08:55 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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April 15, 2017

Come for the Beatings, Stay For the Scorpions

I really thought that this story HAD to be a joke.



"Well, snakes would be derivative."

Posted by: The Brickmuppet at 10:44 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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